


the one where connor lives, they've all become best friends, and jared has embraced the cronch

by tea_bunny



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, F/F, Galaxy Gals, M/M, Mild Language, Multi, One-Sided Attraction, Teen Romance, Teenagers, Texting, Treebros, Unrequited Crush, dear evan hansen - Freeform, first fic, group chat au, helllllla gay, innuendos, literally just a shitpost tbh, maybe sincerely three, soft, tw for some depresso content/venting, uhhhhh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-17
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-10-11 10:58:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 5,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17445608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tea_bunny/pseuds/tea_bunny
Summary: CronchMe: welcome one, welcome a l lCronchMe: to the one and onlyCronchMe: group gatheringCronchMe: ofCronchMe: theCronchMe: s q u a d





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> heyo!! this is my first, uhhhh,,, official fic! i don't have an update schedule, but if i gain interest i'll try to keep updates pretty frequent. stay tuned, my dudes
> 
> things to know -  
> ~ ev doesn't make an appearance in this chapter oop  
> ~ however, he will !! he's just sleepy  
> ~ alana, connor, and zoe have their own group chat, hence the names :)
> 
> guide:  
> Jared = CronchMe  
> Zoe = band lesbian  
> Alana = bookstore lesbian  
> Connor = angry lesbian  
> Ev = e v a n 
> 
> I AM AWARE THAT PANSEXUALITY DOES NOT INVOLVE ATTRACTION TO PANS, OKAY

_CronchMe added e v a n, band lesbian, bookstore lesbian, and angry lesbian to the conversation.  
CronchMe renamed the group chat to the squad_

  
CronchMe: welcome one, welcome a l l  
CronchMe: to the one and only  
CronchMe: group gathering  
CronchMe: of  
CronchMe: the  
CronchMe: s q u a d  
angry lesbian: why r u awake at 2 AM  
CronchMe: why ARENT u awake at 2 AM  
angry lesbian: ,,,,,i’m obvi awake now, u twat  
CronchMe: t w a t  
angry lesbian: fuck ogg  
bookstore lesbian: *off  
angry lesbian: *off  
angry lesbian: dammit, alana  
bookstore lesbian: (･ω･)bｸﾞｯ  
band lesbian: d’aww, babes  
angry lesbian: gay  
CronchMe: gay  
bookstore lesbian: Yes, and?  
angry lesbian: same  
CronchMe: pretty much the same, ya  
CronchMe: i’m pan  
CronchMe: as in i like to fuck pans  
CronchMe: and people  
CronchMe: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
bookstore lesbian: Thank you for coming out to us, Jared!! Though you have already, I appreciate the sentiment. Also, please stop with the kitchen utensil fetishism.  
bookstore lesbian: I’m going to head to bed now, goodnight! Be sure to get enough sleep.  
band lesbian: nighty night, babes  
angry lesbian: night lana  
CronchMe: have fun ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
angry lesbian: s t o p


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG LIKE THREE PEOPLE LEFT KUDOS AND IT MADE ME HAPPY SO I'M WRITING ANOTHER  
> keep in mind this isn't at all planned 
> 
> usernames -  
> ~ evan: e v a n  
> ~ jared: CronchMe  
> ~ connor: angry lesbian  
> ~ alana: bookstore lesbian  
> ~ zoe: band lesbian 
> 
> clarifications!!  
> ~ alana and zoe are official!!! woo  
> ~ treebros isn't official, nor is sincerely, three? we'll see,,,,,  
> ~ at the very least, i want treebros here, bc- y'know. treebros!!!!! woot
> 
> list of my own lil personal headcanons  
> ~ connor likes english and is pretty talented!! he reads moreso than he writes, but he always scores well on essays (when he does them, of course)  
> ~ evan's pansexual, too? most people label him as bi, but, idk. personal opinions.   
> ~ connor is very, very gay   
> ~ zoe's bi but leans more towards girls, and alana doesn't really know? she just likes zoe a lotlotlot  
> ~ jared's pan !!!!!!

e v a n: good morning, guys!

angry lesbian: morning evvy

CronchMe: uwu "evvy"

e v a n: Jared, don't

CronchMe: mk

CronchMe: evvy

\--

e v a n: guys whilst getting ready for school there was a ladybug in the sink and i know this is stupid but i was trying to help it? because it was going to drown, y'know, so i tried to move it and it, like- started bleeding? or something? and i'm really quite worried that i killed it can somebody help

e v a n: i'm kneeling on my bathroom floor

angry lesbian: evvy hon just breathe ur fine it's fine 

e v a n: i'm not panicking i'm just typing a lot bc i feel bad

e v a n: thank you for helping um 

e v a n: sorry i'm spamming but like 

e v a n: idk i just feel guilty, like, i murdered a ladybug

e v a n: wait

e v a n: waitwait

e v a n: GUYS HE'S MOVING HE'S OKAT

e v a n: *PKAY

e v a n: **OKAY

angry lesbian: !!!!! good job ev im proud of u

CronchMe: gay

band lesbian: ,,,gay

bookstore lesbian: (Sorry, guys. Glad he's okay!!) ...gay. <3

angry lesbian: aLANA

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm writing this in AP Psych, sorry if it's rushed-
> 
> Jared = CronchMe  
> Zoe = band lesbian  
> Alana = bookstore lesbian  
> Connor = angry lesbian  
> Ev = e v a n

CronchMe: would you bone satan

e v a n: Jared, we're in e n g l i s h class, not the time--

angry lesbian: ya prolly

e v a n: CONNOR 

angry lesbian: r u kINKSHAMING ME

bookstore lesbian: KINKSHAMING IS MY KINK!!

bookstore lesbian: (Sorry, guys, I had to-)

band lesbian: alana, have i ever told you how much i love you?

e v a n: PLEASE STOP SPAMMING THE CHAT I'M TRYING TO PAY ATTENTION

CronchMe: ev just giggled 

angry lesbian: t'was adorable

CronchMe: gay

angry lesbian: ya

CronchMe: back to the question

CronchMe: would

CronchMe: you

CronchMe: bone

CronchMe: satan

bookstore lesbian: No? Sorry, Jared.

band lesbian: no thanksssss

angry lesbian: ya

e v a n: ....could satan bone me?

band lesbian: EVAN

angry lesbian: EVAN

bookstore lesbian: I'm mildly surprised, um- EVAN. 

CronchMe: this

CronchMe: boy

CronchMe: is

CronchMe: a

CronchMe: bOTTOM

e v a n: ......yeah

angry lesbian: o

CronchMe: gay 

\-----

_Private chat between band lesbian and e v a n._

band lesbian: you good? sometimes you get oddly confident when you're disassociated

band lesbian: i just wanted to check

e v a n: i'm okay!! i just, like. i dunno.

e v a n: i'm pansexual 

e v a n: by the way

band lesbian: i'm proud of u!!!!

e v a n: thank you

e v a n: i'm going to go and try and pay attention now, i appreciate you checking up on me 

band lesbian: take care of yourself, ev!! much love 

e v a n: you too!!

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> plot!! jumping into the crushes a lil soon because i'm reading multiple slow-burn fics and i'm impatient 
> 
> Jared = CronchMe  
> Zoe = band lesbian  
> Alana = bookstore lesbian  
> Connor = angry lesbian  
> Ev = e v a n

_Private chat between angry lesbian and bookstore lesbian._

angry lesbian: evans rly cute

angry lesbian: ik i say this pretty often but wow

angry lesbian: yes homo

bookstore lesbian: Connor, I really think you should talk to him about this. The worst thing that'll happen is a rejection, right?

angry lesbian: its just a stupid crush, lana

angry lesbian: i just like him a lot

angry lesbian: he's like,,,, 

angry lesbian: such a fucking dowk

angry lesbian: *dork

angry lesbian: idk he keeps me calm?? he's like my rock or whatever

angry lesbian: he's just,,, wow

bookstore lesbian: The only thing I can say is talk to him, Connor. You've been pining over him for months. 

angry lesbian: idk

angry lesbian: i mean

angry lesbian: ur right

angry lesbian: but i dont do that, i dont confess things, i brood silently in my corner and glare at everybody

bookstore lesbian: Con, you're better than you think you are. Take a chance on yourself for once, okay?

angry lesbian: thanks, lana

angry lesbian: ily

angry lesbian: no hetero

bookstore lesbian: Love you, too! No hetero. 

\------

CronchMe: hey gays

CronchMe: there's like,,, a dude in my class and he's super fucking hot

\------

CronchMe: update i got his number

band lesbian: hell yeah, you go, Jared

band lesbian: what's his name?

CronchMe: simon 

CronchMe: he's cute

CronchMe: idk if it'll go anywhere but ayyyy i'm lonely

CronchMe: lmao

CronchMe: c u at lunch

band lesbian: cya!! 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhhhhh lil warning bc there is some venting, mentions of disassociation, but nothing super duper graphic or anything  
> ily all stay safe
> 
> Jared = CronchMe  
> Zoe = band lesbian  
> Alana = bookstore lesbian  
> Connor = angry lesbian   
> Ev = e v a n

_the squad_

e v a n: i don't wanna be a bother or anything and yay!! jared!! i'm happy for you

e v a n: idk i'm just

e v a n: i feel w e i r d and gross and like i have this entire world i've created for myself sometimes, like- it's just me? and everybody else is kind of.. looking in?

e v a n: i created this world to feel some control

e v a n: like,,, it's a coping mechanism and defensive bc of my dad and that shit but it's,, worse? now? i feel trapped

e v a n: but it's like,,, numbness

e v a n: it's rly

e v a n: i dont like it

e v a n: sorry im venting i have a free and im sick of being quiet

e v a n: im rly sick of being quiet

e v a n: let's see 

e v a n: i like people, gender doesnt matter

e v a n: so im pan ig idk

e v a n: im

e v a n: this

e v a n: like

e v a n: whatever being is currently controlling me, bc it's not me, like-

e v a n: im in here being watched but not seen and somebody else is in control

\-----

_e v a n has deleted 18 messages._

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OML 30 KUDOS IM DYING THANK U GUYS  
> also,,,, comments give me life im thirsty y'all should comment  
> the book referenced is the fault in our stars by john green and i love it sm go read 
> 
> Jared = CronchMe  
> Zoe = band lesbian  
> Alana = bookstore lesbian  
> Connor = angry lesbian   
> Ev = e v a n

_the squad_

angry lesbian: last period of the day boyyyyz

CronchMe: hey we should go out for food l8r 

angry lesbian: im down, bring ur boyf 

CronchMe: hes not my boyf but ok

bookstore lesbian: Bring him, Jared! I'd love to get to know him. ;).

CronchMe: alana, dearest, did you just put a period after a winky face?

bookstore lesbian: Yes?

band lesbian: yes.

CronchMe: "okay?" "okay."

bookstore lesbian: ...pain. 

band lesbian: ,,,,not cool

angry lesbian: HOW DARE YOU

angry lesbian: JARED

angry lesbian: jared i love them and i refuse to acknowledge my baby's death

CronchMe: ur adorable 

CronchMe: i can p i c t u r e ur expression rn

CronchMe: CONNOR MURPHY IS A CLOSETED BOOK NERD

angry lesbian: dont out me

angry lesbian: nywho, who's down for grabbing smthn to eat after this block?

CronchMe: me obvi

band lesbian: i'm down if lana's down

bookstore lesbian: I'll gladly come!! I'll most likely leave a tad early, if it's alright? I need to study.

band lesbian: make sure you take some time to yourself, lana

angry lesbian: ya dont stress ur rly smart

bookstore lesbian: Thank you, guys!! I'll be sure to take care of myself. :).

CronchMe: ill text simon and see if he's down 

angry lesbian: ev? u wanna come?

e v a n: i think i'll head home, actually? i'm not feeling super great, my throat kind of hurts. i think i'm coming down with something.

angry lesbian: take care of urself ok?? stay hydrated n make sure u eat

e v a n: i will :) i'm okay, just tired

\-----

_Private chat between angry lesbian and e v a n_

angry lesbian: i can bring u something back from wherever we go so u dont have to cook/order

e v a n: thanks, i'd appreciate it, if you wouldn't mind-

e v a n: could it be just you? if that's cool? im not rly down to see anybody else

e v a n: and um

e v a n: u could titallt hang out for a bit after if u wanted

e v a n: *totally

angry lesbian: mk, hon, ill drop by when we're done and bring u food and we can hang out

angry lesbian: i'll text when im on the way 

angry lesbian: remember to breathe, k? u gonna be okay walking home or do u want a ride?

e v a n: walking is okay, im okay, sry

e v a n: just kind of having a bad day u kno

angry lesbian: im here for u, we all are, k? remember that

e v a n: thank you, connor. i appreciate it. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, I forgot to do the little warnings so I'm editing the notes, I'm sorry!! I was in a bit of a rush.  
> There is a breakdown, but it isn't mentioned in detail  
> The word "vore" is used. Sorry. (ONLY FOR THE MEME I PROMISE)
> 
> Jared = CronchMe  
> Zoe = band lesbian  
> Alana = bookstore lesbian  
> Connor = angry lesbian  
> Ev = e v a n

_Private chat between angry lesbian and e v a n._

angry lesbian: on the way, u ok?

e v a n: yeah.

e v a n: hurry idk it's

e v a n: idk

angry lesbian: im coming bby

\-----

"Connor?" 

"Ev, hey. I brought Chik-fil-a!" 

"Con _nor_."

"Yeah, Ev- I- oh, hey, hi. Shh, I've got you, m'kay? It's okay."

"...Connor." 

"Yes, love, it's me. Right here. I've got you. Wanna come sit down? Mhm, m'kay, Ev, let's go chill on the couch."

\-----

_Group chat between angry lesbian, band lesbian, and bookstore lesbian._

angry lesbian: _Attachment: 1 image._

(The image in question is of Evan, asleep, head on Connor's lap. There's a Chik-fil-a bag on the coffee table, fries and unopened ketchup and Polynesian packets scattered about. The focus is obviously on Ev, though - cheeks pink, closed eyes obviously recently having shed tears.)

angry lesbian: ik it's prolly due to mental illness but i s2g if somebody caused this im going to vore them and itll be unenjoyable for the both of us 

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mentions of body dysphoria, anxiety, depresso, etc., but only mentioned in passing/in reference to. no details whatsoever. stay safe, lovelies 
> 
> Jared = CronchMe  
> Zoe = band lesbian  
> Alana = bookstore lesbian  
> Connor = angry lesbian  
> Ev = e v a n

_Private chat between angry lesbian and CronchMe_

CronchMe: is he ok? 

angry lesbian: yeah. asleep on my lap. he disassociated earlier and had a rly bad spell and idk, borderline panic attakc

CronchMe: when he wakes up u gotta get him to drink something

CronchMe: text heidi and let her kno, he's supposed to keep her uopdated but doesnt like to because he feels guilty

CronchMe: *updated

CronchMe: when he gets up he's going to be out of it, might have another breakdown, try n keep him calm

CronchMe: two breathing exercises - in for four, hold for seven, out for eight or in for three and out for three; in-3-out-3 is counted like this: in, 1, 2, 3, out, 4, 5, 6

angry lesbian: thank u 

angry lesbian: may i ask how you know?

CronchMe: i know him, i know heidi

CronchMe: i have panic attacks myself sometimes

CronchMe: ive also dealt w body dysmorphia which can have a bunch of self-hatred and u gotta keep him from spiraling 

CronchMe: cuddle him he likes physical contact

angry lesbian: ily jare thank u

CronchMe: ,,,,gay

CronchMe: ur gay

angry lesbian: im gay and i appreciate u, bitch 

CronchMe: i appreciate u too now stfu

\-----

"...Connor? Sorry-"

"Shh, Ev. It's okay. You don't need to apologize, alright? You haven't done anything wrong."

"...thank you." 

(Evan's hugging him. Tightly. Connor's smiling, and it's small and surprised but real all the same. He's rocking the other boy back and forth, allowing him to focus on the movement, and trying to find something to do with his hands. Connor may not know what he's doing, but he's doing something, and that's enough to keep both himself and Evan stable.)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> should anybody change their username on whatever chat-application they're using? feel free to leave suggestions in the comments :D
> 
> Jared = CronchMe  
> Zoe = band lesbian  
> Alana = bookstore lesbian  
> Connor = angry lesbian   
> Ev = e v a n

_the squad_

angry lesbian: _Attachment: 3 images._

(The first image is Evan, nails painted blue, flashing a peace sign and hiding behind his hand. He's flushed pink, too, but it's flattering, almost as endearing as the freckles dotting his skin. He's adorable, anybody can admit that.)

(The second - once again of Evan - has him wearing Connor's hoodie and snuggled into what appears to be Con's side. This time, he's hiding behind sweater paws and his blush has darkened but he's smiling, too, most likely giggling. It's soft, almost domestic.)

(The third one, surprisingly, is of Connor _and_ Evan, each of them smiling for the camera. Though they're each obviously tired and emotional in their own way, each boy's smile seems real.)

\-----

CronchMe: _Attachment: 1 image._

(The photo is of Jared. Dabbing. Intensely.)

CronchMe: urs are adorable but mine is obviously the best u stupidly aesthetic gays 

CronchMe: however it's like one in the morning go tf to bed we have school 

angry lesbian: nightnight~

CronchMe: st o p


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jared = CronchMe  
> Zoe = band lesbian  
> Alana = bookstore lesbian  
> Connor = angry lesbian  
> Ev = e v a n

_Private chat between CronchMe and band lesbian._

CronchMe: zoe thyere so cute i cant

band lesbian: jared, your poly ass is acting up again

CronchMe: IK KNWO

band lesbian: what abt simon?

CronchMe: cute but not my type

CronchMe: my type iiiiiiiiissssssssss evan hansen and connor murphy 

band lesbian: pls don't fetishize one of my best friends and my brother

CronchMe: is fetishize a word and is that how u spell it

band lesbian: no idea

band lesbian: real talk for a sec, i know that con likes ev, idk how he feels abt you

band lesbian: i trust u to not tell him i told u 

band lesbian: who knows, babe

\-----

_Private chat between band lesbian and e v a n._

e v a n: i like connor

band lesbian: !!! i know !!!!!!

e v a n: ,,,how?

band lesbian: u had a crush on me once, you act even closer to him and softer and gayer than u did for me

band lesbian: granted ur crush on me was all hetero 

band lesbian: go for it, kiddo

\-----

_Private chat between CronchMe and e v a n._

CronchMe: _Attachment: 1 image._

(The image is... Jared? But he's soft, different, almost. He's smiling brightly and he has a rainbow flower crown, and Evan can't help but giggle and smile down at it, screenshotting it and saving it.)

e v a n: thank u, you're lovely

CronchMe: wh-

e v a n: idk ur cute 

CronchMe: thank you, evvy, ur cute too

\-----

_Private chat between angry lesbian and CronchMe._

CronchMe: _Attachment: 1 image._

(It's the Jared-being-a-cutie-in-a-flower-crown one, and Connor feels a spark of something, and he suddenly wants to hug Jared? For some reason?)

angry lesbian: adorable

CronchMe: hhHnG-

angry lesbian: _Attachment: 1 image._

(It's Connor, holding up a peace sign- is he blushing? Yes, he is, a pretty pink flush over his nose and cheeks. Jared's saving the photo, because- well. Of course he does.)

CronchMe: look at  u look at ur fuckingfd,,, jaw hdhfn

angry lesbian: aAa

CronchMe: connor u should be a model

CronchMe: stop thinking im making fun of you bc im not

CronchMe: you could do it, you should 

CronchMe: im taking photography can i use u and ev for photos

angry lesbian: udmfnjddnsa sure? im ok with it you'll hsve to ask ev unm mmmm fmdb

CronchMe: ...you don't take compliments well, do you, babes?

angry lesbian: leavE


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a special type of chapter, featuring Evan venting through a program I've named "NotesApp," as recommended by his therapist. I came up with the name, so if it's related to another application I'll change/clarify that this particular "app" is purely for the sake of the story.
> 
> TW - depresso, mentions of feeling alone/mentions of abandonment, anxiety, etc. (aka the you will be found/waving through a window chapter)
> 
> ily all stay safe

_Hi, **Evan** , welcome to NotesApp! This application was recommended by your psychologist, and he/she/they have requested that you write at least **one** letter per **week**. They will get reports on whether or not the letter has been written and how much time you spend in the application, but they will not be able to view the content of your letter/s unless you grant them permission. Happy writing!_

 

Dear Evan Hansen -

I don't think you need to start every "letter" with that, but it's habit, and habit is comfortable. Routine is nice. Today hasn't been a bad day, nor a good day, just a kind of "eh" day. We're back at school, and things are nice, and there's this little spark with Connor but also Jared, too? That's probably the most confusing part, the feelings and the thoughts about each of them when before it was only Connor, and those were fleeting, but now I think that there's a possibility of crushing on both of them? Which is really chaotic but Jared looked adorable in that flower crown i wanted to kiss him god 

 

sometimes it feels like i could just disappear, like nobody is here, like i've been forgotten in the middle of nowhere

it's like i'm looking through a glass dome and i'm tapping and waving and trying to get people to notice, but they don't, and i used to try and smash it and beat on the glass but that never worked so i stopped trying? sometimes the noise that my hands make against the glass is scary and i flinch away and i feel like i'm outside of my head and i wanna be found, yeah, but i know i wont ? so whats the point of trying? sometimes it feels like im lying to everybody because im not super duper happy, but my friends kind of make it better and im really lucky to have them and i dont deserve them but im grateful 

long story short, evan - you have friends, and two possible crushes, and a great mom 

don't fuck it up 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jared = CronchMe  
> Zoe = band lesbian  
> Alana = bookstore lesbian  
> Connor = angry lesbian  
> Ev = e v a n

_the squad_

angry lesbian: i have two points to make

angry lesbian: one - i feel too long

angry lesbian: i'm gangly and i take up toO much roOm

e v a n: you can drape yourself over people, though!! and you're edgy and nice and you have good hair and a good face and your height suits you

angry lesbian: thank you, ev!!!!

angry lesbian: two - as much as i love the lesbian aesthetic, i believe it's time for a change, guys and gals (and nonbinary pals)

e v a n: yOU WATCH THOMAS SANDERS

angry lesbian: ofc i do 

e v a n: I LOVE HIM, HE WAS MY FIRST GAY CRUSH

angry lesbian: he's a sweetie but not my type

e v a n: what /is/ your type?

-

Evan's- he feels. Weird. Because he's blatantly flirting with _Connor Murphy_ in a _group chat_ where people can _see_. Bbut he feels almost exhilarated, too? His heart is doing strange things, but it's... it's not anxiety? 

-

Meanwhile, Connor's decided to be _daring_ , of all things. It is time, both 'lana and his sister have said as much. 

-

Alana and Zoe had seen the message at the same time in the same class, and had turned to each other with Cheshire grins. _Finally_. Stupid boys with their lack of communication and all that. 

-

Jared feels kind of shitty, but he'll get over it, right? Get some, Evan. (It's just a stupid message, right? It doesn't mean anything? He totally can't imagine Evan's facial expression right now, no, _god_ -)

-

_Private chat between angry lesbian and e v a n._

e v a n: i'm rly sorry i did that um

angry lesbian: it's u

angry lesbian: you

angry lesbian: you're my type

angry lesbian: you've always been my type, evan


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is dedicated to @Emshem   
> PLEASE LEAVE COMMENTS I LOVE THEM  
> also!! i'm taking a vote - should this turn into sincerely, three, or should i flush simon out a little more and have it be treebros + galaxy gals + jared/simon? let me know, lovelies
> 
> Jared = CronchMe  
> Zoe = band lesbian  
> Alana = bookstore lesbian  
> Connor = angry lesbian   
> Ev = e v a n

_the squad_

CronchMe: simon and i are gonna go out on a date to see love, simon

CronchMe: he says it's his 'gay namesake' and that's cute idk

bookstore lesbian: Have fun, Jared!! Don't do anything irresponsible.

CronchMe: lana i'm always irresponsible 

angry lesbian: tru

e v a n: jared's not always irresponsible!! he can be helpful 

angry lesbian: ur right babe

band lesbian: babe, hm? :)

\----- 

_Private chat between angry lesbian and e v a n._

angry lesbian: it's u

angry lesbian: you

angry lesbian: you're my type

angry lesbian: you've always been my type, evan

e v a n: i

e v a n: what?

angry lesbian: i'm into you, i like you, and i know saying it via text is shitty of me, but i'm a coward

angry lesbian: i'd like to take you out some time w/ romantic intent and see how it goes

angry lesbian: if you'll have me, anyways

(Connor's blushing, staring down at his phone, waiting, holding his breath - little does he know that Evan's having a similar reaction, his face flushing red.)

e v a n: yeah

e v a n: i'd like that a lot, con!

angry lesbian: okokokokokok cool awesome wow 

(Connor may or may not have pumped his fist in the air in an act of victory. Evan's sitting up straight and smiling down at his phone.)

e v a n: if we hold hands please don't mind the fact that mine are sweaty bc i'm an anxious wreck

angry lesbian: never, babe

e v a n: dhejdwehefrhvjrffhvrfhrdefdednvfmwfrgtmgr 

angry lesbian: you alright, babe?

e v a n: yes, yes i am 

e v a n: are you free tonight?

angry lesbian: yes,,,, can i pick you up? at six? we can go out for pizza 

e v a n: yes, please

\-----

_the squad_

e v a n: yes

e v a n: babe

angry lesbian: it's ev's f a v o r i t e

e v a n: shut uP

angry lesbian: make me~~~~~

bookstore lesbian: Aww, you guys!!! Is it official yet?

angry lesbian: not yet, we're kinda testing the waters, seeing if we're ready

e v a n: wewentonadatethough

angry lesbian: that we did, love

e v a n: hhshJHHJHSDHFFRIURGKERLFRGJ3RK

\-----

CronchMe: hHhjdjJKSAndsasbhjrdksmffgdsfghrekjd

angry lesbian: wtf jared it's one in the morning 

CronchMe: I SAW SIMON'S MEAT SCEPTER

angry lesbian: wh a t t  t t t t

CronchMe: not very classy for a first date- 

CronchMe: ok i'm kidding 

CronchMe: it went well, though, and he was rly cute and hdhjdsdhshhfkgrkl

CronchMe: the movie was cute too and we held hands and idk it's been a hot minute since i've had interaction like that

angry lesbian: im happy for u pls go to bed

CronchMe: mmmmk u too, happy 4 u and ev ;)

\-----

_Private chat between band lesbian and CronchMe._

CronchMe: i take back what i said abt simon

CronchMe: i feel like i could maybe make it work and i def dont have a chance w/ con and ev now that,,, yknow

CronchMe: im happy for them and it kind of hurts but im also like,, kind of actually into si, too? 

CronchMe: so o o o o o o o yeah sorry im spamming at 1 am night zo


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jared = CronchMe  
> Zoe = band lesbian  
> Alana = bookstore lesbian  
> Connor = angry lesbian  
> Ev = e v a n  
> Simon = chime_in_simon

_Private chat between band lesbian and CronchMe._

CronchMe: sry it's 2 am now fuck sleep

CronchMe: but anyways

CronchMe: ive liked them for so long, you know, and i dismissed si bc,,, pining

CronchMe: and im terrified? to like? move on???? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?? ?  ?? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?  ? ? ? ? ???????????????????????????????

CronchMe: like i wanted it to be like that one marvel fic u sent me where it's one of us with the other and then the other other comes b a ck vdjhdeedm

CronchMe: and

CronchMe: idk 

CronchMe: but yeah i wanted to take them out and spoil them

CronchMe: and now i wanna,, cuddle simon and watch movies and have him throw popcorn at me bc he does that idk he likes the fact that i can catch it in my mouth ;)

CronchMe: hhhh 

\-----

band lesbian: morning jare

band lesbian: ur allowed to move on

band lesbian: u shouldn't ever feel guilty for moving on 

CronchMe: thank u

band lesbian: did u sleep?

CronchMe: ,,,no

band lesbian: babe

band lesbian: take a sick day i'll cover u 

CronchMe: thnk u sm im rly tired

CronchMe: sry

band lesbian: don't apologize, youve done the same for me

CronchMe: on ur anniversary where alana was READY AND WILLING TO SKIP SCHOOL FOR YOU

band lesbian: i love her

band lesbian: now go to b e d

CronchMe: night

band lesbian: g'night

\-----

_Private chat between band lesbian and bookstore lesbian._

band lesbian: you know our friend with the poly issue?

bookstore lesbian: Jared? Mhmm, how's that going?

band lesbian: i do believe he's resolved it, love

bookstore lesbian: Excellent! 

band lesbian: yes

band lesbian: vv

band lesbian: im proud of him

bookstore lesbian: And *I'm* proud of *you.*

band lesbian: <3

bookstore lesbian: <3

\-----

_Private chat between chime_in_simon and CronchMe._

chime_in_simon: Hey, Jare, you alright? Noticed you aren't here and I'm kinda worried,,,

CronchMe: hey! yeah, i'm ok, just taking a mental health day

chime_in_simon: Alright, cool, it's good to take care of yourself

chime_in_simon: If you ever need to talk, I'm here

CronchMe: i don't rly need to t a l k, i need sleep and physical affection

CronchMe: cutie

chime_in_simon: If you need socialization I can check myself out after this class and come over? If you'd like?

CronchMe: i'd adore that

chime_in_simon: (i'm not cute shut up) Will do, then :P

CronchMe: you gonna be okay in classes, though?

chime_in_simon: I have AP Psych first block, which is my most important! The rest are easy

CronchMe: "easy" ur just a genius, babe

chime_in_simon: I'm not, I'm just a try-hard :P

CronchMe: you should be paying attention in class, then, mister try-hard

chime_in_simon: ughhhhhh, fine

chime_in_simon: i'll text when i'm on the way

chime_in_simon: stay safe, jare

CronchMe: thank you, sugar, you're a lifesaver

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fanfiction referenced here is Ballad of the Thundering Heart by LeisurelyPanda! It contains smut (bunches and bunches,,, o,,, my) but it's an interesting characterization and I just really, really like Marvel fjsbdjasfmnrwfr  
> I'll leave the link below  
> Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13605048/chapters/31233912


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jared = CronchMe  
> Zoe = band lesbian  
> Alana = bookstore lesbian  
> Connor = angry lesbian   
> Ev = e v a n  
> Simon = chime_in_simon

_Private chat between CronchMe and e v a n._

e v a n: Hey!! Haven't seen you around, how are you?

CronchMe: i'm fine! mental health day, simon's over ;)

e v a n: Just checking! If you ever need to talk or things, I'm here.

CronchMe: thx ev

e v a n: Would you and Simon maybe want to hang out w/ me and Connor and watch something this weekend? Like,,, a triple-date thing? Alana and Zoe said they'd come, too.

CronchMe: depends on the film

e v a n: we were going to get a bunch of snack food and watch the greatest showman because i haven't seen it yet and that seems to be upsetting connor

CronchMe: YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT YET

e v a n: I haven't had time,,,

CronchMe: IT LITERALLY

CronchMe: CAME OUT

CronchMe: IN 2017

CronchMe: EVAN

e v a n: I know, I'm sorry

CronchMe: PANIC LITERALLY COVERED THE GREATEST SHOW

e v a n: I kNoW, I'm sorry!!!

CronchMe: WHAT THE FUCK SIMON HASN'T SEEN IT EITHER

e v a n: See? I'm not the only oneeeeee

CronchMe: WE'RE DEFINITELY HANGING OUT AND WATCHING IT. END OF STORY.

e v a n: that's whY i invited yoU

CronchMe: GOOD.

CronchMe: do me a favor and tell connor he radiates bottom energy

e v a n: oooookay? 

CronchMe: thank u


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jared = CronchMe/Daddy  
> Zoe = band lesbian  
> Alana = bookstore lesbian  
> Connor = angry lesbian  
> Ev = e v a n  
> Simon = chime_in_simon

_Private chat between angry lesbian and e v a n._

e v a n: Con! 

angry lesbian: Ev!

e v a n: Jared said to tell you that you, um

e v a n: radiate bottom energy

angry lesbian: JUST BECAUSE I TYPE LIKE A BOTTOM DOES NOT MEAN I AM ONE, OKAY

angry lesbian: not that there's anything wrong w/ bottoming

angry lesbian: just

angry lesbian: i'm nOT A BOTTOM

e v a n: yousurearewhininglikeone

angry lesbian: EVAN

angry lesbian: SCANDAL

e v a n: your typing's gotten gayer since we've started going on dates

angry lesbian: thanks, love

e v a n: No problem!! <3

 -----

_the squad_

angry lesbian: A LINK TO THE GREATEST SHOWMAN DATE COUNTDOWN TIMER HAS BEEN SENT TO ALL OF YOU

bookstore lesbian: Thank you, Connor!

band lesbian: i saw !!! thx con

e v a n: thank you!

CronchMe: simon says hi and that he is excited

CronchMe: Daddy is also excited 

CronchMe: Daddy is also only referring to himself as Daddy based off of a book written by John Green

CronchMe: in fact...

_**CronchMe** has changed their name to **Daddy**. Happy chatting!_

angry lesbian: oh god no

Daddy: oh god yes

e v a n: ...no

Daddy: ...yes.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jared = Daddy  
> Zoe = band lesbian  
> Alana = bookstore lesbian  
> Connor = angry lesbian  
> Ev = e v a n  
> Simon = chime_in_simon
> 
> more crack bc i havent updated in ten years and i love josh dun and tyler joseph ok bye  
> DID U GUYS CATCH THE P!ATD REF???? UWU?????

_Private chat between band lesbian and bookstore lesbian._

band lesbian: alana, have i ever told you how much i like twenty one pilots 

bookstore lesbian: I'm sorry, who? I don't think you have, babe.

band lesbian: WHAT?

band lesbian: come over

bookstore lesbian: I am over, honey, we're in the same room. Why are you texting?

band lesbian: so I can yell without yelling! get.. more over. please?

bookstore lesbian: Don't **pout** -

\-----

(The girls have done nothing but listen to twenty one pilots, starting with Trench and making their way backwards. The other members of the group chat are becoming _**vastly** _aware of this.) (They chime right in, of course.)

\-----

_the squad_

band lesbian: PET CHEETAH

bookstore lesbian: CHEETAH

band lesbian: PET CHEETAH

bookstore lesbian: CHEETAH

band lesbian: PET CHEETAH

bookstore lesbian: CHEETAH

band lesbian: PET CHEETAH

bookstore lesbian: CHEETAH

band lesbian: PET CHEETAH

bookstore lesbian: CHEETAH

band lesbian: PET CHEETAH

bookstore lesbian: CHEETAH

band lesbian: PET CHEETAH

bookstore lesbian: CHEETAH

band lesbian: PET CHEETAH

bookstore lesbian: CHEETAH

band lesbian: PET CHEETAH

bookstore lesbian: CHEETAH

band lesbian: PET CHEETAH

bookstore lesbian: CHEETAH

band lesbian: PET CHEETAH

bookstore lesbian: CHEETAH

band lesbian: PET CHEETAH

bookstore lesbian: CHEETAH

band lesbian: hhHNG

Daddy: TYLER JOSEPH!!!!!

e v a n: JOSH. DUN.

angry lesbian: BOYS!

Daddy: BABY. BOYS.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, sorry! I've had some personal life things and haven't really felt inspired to put up another chapter. Thanks for commenting and stuff, much appreciate.  
> Jared = Daddy  
> Zoe = band lesbian  
> Alana = bookstore lesbian  
> Connor = angry lesbian  
> Ev = e v a n  
> Simon = chime_in_simon

_the squad_

angry lesbian: y'all ready for

angry lesbian: drumroll please

Daddy: the greatest showman date night extravaganza?

angry lesbian: fuck oFF i was building up to it

angry lesbian: but, yeah, everybody free tonight?

angry lesbian: zoe says yeah

Daddy: i'm down

Daddy: could i,,, add si to the chat

angry lesbian: we should vote

angry lesbian: i vote yes

bookstore lesbian: Sure! I'd love to meet him. Also, I'm free tonight!

band lesbian: heck yeah 

band lesbian: as connor has said, im free lol

e v a n: I think it's fine, yeah !!

Daddy: mk awesome 

_**Daddy** has added **chime_in_simon** to the chat. Happy chatting!_

chime_in_simon: I CHIME IN WITH An obligatory p!atd reference, hi Jared's friends!

Daddy: this is my boyfriend he's the greatest person ever

chime_in_simon: Horton hears a bitch ass liar-

Daddy: anyways this is the squad, ur gonna meet them tonight, squad introduce urselves

angry lesbian: hi im connor i steal people's milk and like to kiss evan

e v a n: Hi!! I'm Evan, idk what to say

e v a n: :P

bookstore lesbian: Hi! I'm Alana. I love my girlfriend.

band lesbian: i'm her girlfriend

band lesbian: zoe

chime_in-simon: Awesome!! Can't wait to meet you all 

Daddy: it's gonna be LIT 

e v a n: mom's gonna get pizza is everybody okay with that? what kinds? 

Daddy: pineapple

angry lesbian: fuck you

chime_in_simon: pineapple on pizza is... bad

e v a n: i kind of like it-

Daddy: FIGHT

Daddy: alana, zoe? do we have a three v three or can you break the tie?

band lesbian: i don't like it

Daddy: FUCK YOU

Daddy: alana?

bookstore lesbian: I... I like it.

chime_in_simon: looks like we.. have entered into a.... 

Daddy: SHOWDOWN

Daddy: THROW. DOWN.

Daddy: i'll see you all tonight for the DEBATE

e v a n: And movie date!

angry lesbian: ily ev 

e v a n: <3

Daddy: gay

chime_in_simon: no u

Daddy: u should know

 


End file.
